Not an alcoholic since birth.

This may sound wild to some, but I used to actually say that I was born an alcoholic. I adopted this language because I was in fact born this way, but it was not about substances. I was born neurodivergent. I lacked the actual words to describe what “this way” meant. Since I did not understand my neurodivergence until my recent Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis. I used to in fact, say that I was born an alcoholic. 

I was born with a brain that is wired differently. I do have a non-typical mind, but it’s also not a disease like alcoholism. It’s just different. I now believe my mind is actually beautiful. Not a qualifier we often use when talking about ‘the disease of the mind’ aka alcoholism.

Alcohol was an easily accessible and very effective tool to deal with a mind that I didn’t understand at the time. Making the sensory input softer. Difficult social engagements easier. The deep, ever-present fear was washed away. Substances, lacking a clue about my neural wiring, brought in comfort where there was discomfort. Alcohol & pills really were an adequate solution for quite some time.

My divergent mind does need extra nervous system regulation. Without understanding the nature of my neurocomplexity, to depress the overactive mind with alcohol was exactly what I needed. Until I became addicted to it and then I did become an alcoholic.

That’s an important distinction for me. I was not born an alcoholic as I previously self-identified: an alcoholic since birth. It is important for my self-identification because one label is negative, to be an addict, and the other, to be born neurodivergent, is just different. Further, something about myself I am coming to accept, love and honor. 

I am an alcoholic. That will never change. I cannot drink alcohol safely. I do have Substance Use Disorder, and I will for the rest of my life. But, now I need to know the truth about my brain and my mind. When in recovery we claim “we are born this way”, I have to know what that means.

This nuanced shift has provided the ability to adopt a kinder sense of self. I do a lot of mental health and recovery work that centers around my childhood years. In light of understanding that I am autistic, it all makes much more sense now.

I used to think it had everything to do with my alcoholic parents, but I realize now I had a developmental disorder and that made childhood very difficult. Sure my childhood household was dysfunctional. But what made it traumatizing was that I was suffering to exist in ‘normalcy’. My eyes have been opened. Gratefully I look into my past. At those old stories we tell ourselves and I see something fresh and new. Not necessarily easy to swallow. But the truth. And it all seems to fit. The pieces all finally coming together. The pieces of, until recently, a fractured human.

For anyone who may be late diagnosed autistic, you may relate to how this revelation feels. As if there was always a part of you that you didn’t understand. Over the course of a lifetime being just slightly off all the time takes its toll. Emotions become frayed. Depression from being different in ways that I couldn’t understand felt like a darkness. Anxiety that I never understood seemed too much to bear. There were times when I couldn’t imagine being inside this mind and body for what a normal person would consider a full lifetime. It seemed impossible. Without a diagnosis, I would not have lived a full life. It seems plain to me that my end would have occurred far before the natural time of old age. Be it from addiction or a more overt self-infliction.

I remember back to the first few years of recovery when we thoroughly investigate our life timelines. We start to look back at when these addictive patterns developed. I realized my patterns dated back to as far as I can remember. I believed that they started at birth. I remember thinking about little Vanessa as this tiny alcoholic.

How sad to reflect back on that time in my life. Desperately seeking answers to help me out of the hole of addiction that I had dug myself into. Living in rehab searching my life for when I became an addict. And finding the answers to be: at birth. Starving for a solution I submitted to the fact that I was born an alcoholic. But from where I sit today, It’s just not true.

I am grateful beyond words for my path that led into addiction and recovery, because that’s what allowed me to find the truth. It was my destiny to find the truth after much suffering. I do not have regrets because I have been able to perform repair work for myself and those I have harmed. While my heart is filled with gratitude that I am a recovering alcoholic, there are still negative connotations around the label. Not all of which serve me any longer

The truth is, When I was a little girl there was nothing negative about me at all. Not in any way shape or form. I was just different and I still have a lot of healing to do around that idea. I am undoing the damage of believing I was damaged since birth, and undoing that conditioning will take time. Not only is the language damaging. But it’s not accurate. I am healing little by little with Love in my heart.

If you are finding your way on a recovery path. If you are investigating what happened that led you down the road of needing substances continuously in your body. If you don’t yet understand the root of your required numbing. I encourage you to keep digging, keep shining a Light into the dark corners. The difficult yet beautiful work of self-discovery requires reflection on Adverse Childhood Experiences, trauma, PTSD, mental health, and the environment that we were raised in. But if you’re like me, and you get desperate enough, the difficult answers will always outweigh not knowing. Or worse yet branding yourself with labels that are not fully true. Half truths about one’s own existence are unhelpful.

I love living a life of Recovery. My journey has brought me to a place of non-judgment and self-care. Self-love for the little one that did the very best she could to make it through a world with not enough solutions.

My whole life has led me to this place where I am right now. I live of life of devotion and connection to spirit, and spirituality as a way of living. I have found a soft kindness that I refuse to relinquish to the harshness of judgment. These mental, physical and spiritual battles were hard won and therefore I fight with my true self no longer.

I love the little girl inside me. I love the suffering addict who struggled for decades. I love the recovered woman I am today. I wish a good journey of hard work on anyone with a palette for their own truth. You are worth it.

With love,

Vanessa