September 21, 2024

The Disease of More

There’s a term that I’ve become quite accustomed to, as it does describe my life pretty well. It is “the disease of more” aka addiction. The idea, or more so, the feeling that when I get something I want more of it. Some people might call this an addictive personality. Everyone is familiar with that feeling I believe. Particularly if you are in recovery from addiction yourself then you might relate to this term to your very core.

The first time I heard this statement I determined it accurately defined the way I feel about absolutely anything that feels good. When I get that first bite of chocolate, it touches my tongue and melts into my mouth. The instantaneous thought darts into my mind, can I have another, before its even gone. Next, would be acceptable for me to eat the entire bag or box? Whether or not that is a pound of Chocolates or an entire cake. The images fly through my mind, can I get away with it?! I rarely act on the thoughts anymore, but they are there.

Of course, in active addiction, I was ravenous. There were never enough of whatever it was I wanted. This simply defined my life. The constant acquisition of things, substances and people. I suppose that is the epitome of addiction, a life ruled by desires and unending drive to obtain more.

The same feeling and physiological responses used to happen when something felt good emotionally. I wanted to hang onto it. A deep resonance that I did not want positive experiences to end. Ever. It would register to me that something enjoyable was happening. Inside I felt I’ve worked out the circumstances to arrive in this moment and I want to remain inside of it. I can recall in reflection times when the world outside an enjoyable experience melted away, became nonexistent. I lost myself. Deeply wishing to never return.

At that time I was undiagnosed autistic and the importance of the substance solution was yet unknown to me. I did not realize how much my nervous system desperately needed a break from all the inputs. In hindsight it is no wonder I needed respite via numbing for all those years. I was self-medicating unknowingly. So yes, I necessarily did not want my safety bubble removed, the band-aid ripped off only to return to full on overload.

When I was drinking I would never want an evening to end. I was finally in a snow globe of fantasy. Blissfully blurred. The mind quieter, thoughts slowed to a drawl. The nagging irritations of simply existing were tolerable. I was notorious for always being the ‘Last Man Standing’. There was the period of many years, where this happened every night, when everyone else had drank their fill, and I was alone. Every party always ended with me spending a significant amount of time drinking alone. Because nobody wanted to have an endless night. Nobody but me in my peaceful, isolated solitude.

In those decades of alcohol abuse I also was famous for not letting people leave. My closest friends knew that they would have to give me an hour warning before leaving otherwise I was incredibly letdown. Deeply sad and rejected that things were coming to close. Reality won over my accomplice’s desire for sleepless dedication to me.

This eventually ran away like a train. I got to the point where I would jump parties and social scenes. When one situation ended, I found new people to be with. Let’s say an innocent gathering for happy hour came to a close, a reasonable two or three hours after it began. Often those people didn’t want to stay out and as regular people do, that first round of friends would go home. I would go to the next thing which was often by myself and meant going out for late night. I may or may not know the people that were going out since the friend group has already gone home. So often, I was alone. Once again, the evening attempted to get one over on me and the bars would close. However, there was always at least one person that wanted to stay up for after hours. Here I would find myself 10 to 12 hours later drunk, alone with people I didn’t know and in places I was unfamiliar with most times.

I never wanted a situation that had become good and comfortable to end. In light of my recent late diagnoses, including autism, ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). I now realize that it was likely because I had navigated that particular social situation ‘well’. I had done all that hard work and did not want to have to restart it another time. So unrealistically I will try to force it continue. As if I could remain every night in the space where the world was softer and fuzzy. Inside the white noise of static, I finally felt safe. Not because I was safe, but because my inhibitions were obliterated.

The RSD may explain why it felt painful when the one or two people I actually enjoyed being with wanted to leave. Putting incredible pressure on them. I believe it was for this reason for periods my life I had only one close, dedicated and constant friend. We had a system, rejection was low. I was safe. The only problem being that person had to have similar ambitions as mine. Meaning, we were devoted drinking partners.

The solution of more has also been misconstrued by me. I find it to be one of several deep roots of my addiction. In my mind if one drink will take the edge off in such a profound way, then 10 drinks would be fantastic. But it just doesn’t work that way. The same thing applies to any kind of substance that “worked” for me. I always thought that because the shift was so big with the ingestion that continuing to take more would make it better.

I kissed a bee accidentally one summer many years ago and I got stung on my lip. My father-in-law gave me ibuprofen. I took three because the recommendation was two. I thought an extra one would make it better. I remember he turned to me and said, it doesn’t really work like that. I remember being perplexed. But in my mind, everything would work that way, wouldn’t it? It seems logical to me.

For quite a number of years the continued input of more substances did address my main problem: dealing with the intolerance of a neurotypical world for an undiagnosed neurodivergent girl. This is one of the perplexities of addiction. It is almost always a solution for the sufferer. At first. The devastating result however is that the underlying condition, whether it be trauma, PTSD or autism, is not healed it is just placated. Plus, now you are an addict.

I have extended this idea into all relationships subconsciously. I have sought out that delicious feeling of falling into infatuation. That feeling when you start to get to know somebody. When the shift begins and there’s that excitement. I never want that to end. So instead of making logical decisions about whether or not a person is a good fit or suited for a relationship. Or even a good match. I take the good feeling and the excitement, and I want it to last forever. So immediately, like chocolate, I start imagining a permanent solution to keeping this feeling. This looks like me jumping into relationships prematurely with all my heart. A desire to do things like get married right away. Thank God I have a logical mind that kept me from acting on these mad ravings. Otherwise, I would’ve been married 10 or 15 times by now. Alas, this is the nature of my mind. More is always better. How can I get more?

Neuroscience of My Desire

So, if we take a quick unofficial jump into the neuroscience of more, we’re talking about dopamine usually. Dopamine acts to reinforce behaviors for survival. The bigger the ‘payoff’ of an experience, the more the body-mind craves that experience. Dopamine in my mind is like a self-licking ice cream cone, it perpetuates itself. The bigger the rush, the stronger the message is that it is necessary for survival. This is the baseline of my addiction and the desire for more of something that feels good. We start ‘think’ or feel the object of desire is necessary for survival and safety. Over time the baseline gets raised higher and higher, more is required. Always more.

It’s pretty well documented that neurodivergent individuals have abnormal dopamine signaling. Dopamine is known to be dysregulated when under persistent stressors. I know for a fact my nervous system is in survival mode basically constantly, in fight or flight mode. Also known as Sympathetic Overdrive. This is the ‘anxiety’ as it is being labeled, even if I do not agree with that cover-all diagnosis. The feeling I speak about so often. The overwhelming inputs from the external environment. I believe because I’m in a perceived threat state and Sympathetic Overdrive often dopamine is related.

Overtime, with chronic stress, the dopamine reward system also begins to confuse the actual stressors as part of the reward. Hence, seeking out chaos or dangerous situations so you can survive it. This is something we talk a lot about in addiction recovery. I was a danger-seeking, wreckless person who was constantly in thrilling (rewarding) survival situations. It occurs to me in reflection that when something is perceived as working, or it’s a tool that helps me soothe, then I want that to be persistent. This is part of the jacked dopamine reward system. What a contradiction, to be craving safety and security, only to find it when I won over a dangerous situation.

Because I’ve been undiagnosed 99% of my life until recently. I am now acutely aware of this discomfort that has been a constant in my life. Resultingly, whenever something came in that either regulated the nervous system, made me feel safe, turned down the volume of my thoughts, reduce my anxiety, or assisted with my depression, I wanted to hang onto it. I clutched these things with gripped hands. As if my survival depended on it. That’s what the nervous system interprets and so therefore it is reality. The only reality that I knew. Of course, some of those solutions turned into addiction and unhealthy behaviors and relationships.

Rejection Sensitivity and Abandonment

Adding in the Neurocomplex behavior of RSD. I not only want to stay longer, but I was subconsciously terrified of the worst happening: that people would ultimately want to leave me. When this inevitably occurred I have always felt crushed to my deepest soul. The undeniable proof once again that I am completely unlovable and lack value for anyone to want to stick around for. The inner child weeps, curled in a ball when someone leaves. But more often than not it is the anticipatory fear that affects my relationships.

When it came to the comfort of relationships, I sought safety through humans and co-regulation. Co-regulation is where we find safety in the others who are also safe around us. It is by the way is absolutely necessary for a normal functioning human and healthy relationships. The bonds we develop early on and throughout life help regulate the nervous system. It resonates with me that the abandonment fear associated with RSD was always present. I would preemptively fear the absence of a person. Fear of leaving, of death, of not loving me enough to stay. This also was very prevalent in my childhood because my father was unavailable when he lived with us in those early years. Then he actually left when I was only about nine. This has long-lasting deep wounds and has affected my whole entire life. I believe healthy co-regulation was lacking in my early life and a pattern was formed. I developed abandonment issues, codependency and RSD.

I also have, other abandonment that has happened in my life where my mother was very harsh. I’m realizing now with compassion she did the best that she could. But is now revealed how damaging this was for somebody with my neurocomplexity.

Crossing the Line into Addiction

So the disease of more wasn’t a disease until it became addiction. Originally, I just wanted to rest when I finally found comfort and safety. I believe that I found many different solutions throughout my life of survival that truly helped me. I intuited my way into regulation and safety because I was born with abnormal neural wiring, which resulted in a constantly dysregulated nervous system. So I sought out the solutions that helped me not explode from the inside out. And I wanted more of those. How natural. When something was good I wanted it to stick around so I didn’t have to return to the chaos of the previous mind state, or the feelings that come with lack of safety and security.

So for the addiction, for actual Substance Use Disorder, I still have to work a recovery program. I do have addiction in my brain, but I identify a recovered alcoholic-addict. That will never change. I will always have to stay sober. Otherwise I will lapse back into total chaos and sickness. I say that gratefully. I do not need substances complicating my already complicated mind-body system. It is only through being sober that I have the intuition that led me to these discoveries. And imperatively, nurturing Divine Connection. A program of devotion and practices that bring me closer to Source. The practices of prayer, meditation and movement meditation are the sustainable solutions that I have now. I have found natural, sustainable ways to regulate and soothe my nervous system.

Discernment Through Spirituality

The way forward for me is to continue shedding the layers of negative labeling. This pathologization of the differences that we have. I’m not keen on using the terms disease of the mind or disease of more any longer. In living a spiritual life, I now resonate with the teachings that seek to identify the egoic ‘attractions and distractions’ as my favorite Sufi author, Kabir Helminski, calls them. That when we are asleep and just drifting through this experience we are enslaved to our comparisons, our likes & dislikes, comforts & discomforts. These are the realm of the ego and will rule over us entirely if not put into service of the higher self.

I need discernment. It is what comes up for me most in this current brainstorm of prose, is discernment. An awareness I simply did not have all those years ago when I began to self-soothe. What are the tools that are healthy? Identifying the ones that are unhealthy and cutting those out. Culling the habituations and using mindful awareness when something feels good or brings comfort and seeking safety in the right places. 

Discernment reveals itself to me in contemplation of movement meditation or quiet meditation. When I draw closer to the Divine, the ego has the capacity to shrink to its right-size. This takes devotion and daily practice to maintain the balance of the healthy ego.

I often say this when I tell my story. That I was seeking comfort, safety and love in all the wrong places. In unhealthy relationships and alcohol & drugs. That reality and cautious requirement of awareness hasn’t changed. I definitely was doing those things but now I have a better understanding of why. And therefore, I am beholden to choose my actions responsibly.

I have gained great survival tools these last 45 years. Now I am presented with the opportunity to determine which ones are sustainable and healthy. I seek balance. Simple but not easy solutions.

This intentional discernment has great implications for relationships. As I endeavor to seek safety and comfort in the appropriate places with people that are safe themselves. Looking for people that know how to regulate their own nervous systems, that have a healthy and well-balanced life. Those are the people that I want to surround myself with. So we can support each other, exchange ideas, share our experiences on how we have navigate this interesting and challenging path that we walk.

I often return back to Community as being so important and this topic is no different. Finding the right community and support has been imperative. I will continue to also cull those relationships. I will continue to hold space for those looking for spiritual circles and safety.

Discernment applies here as well. If it is not a good fit for me to be in restrictive, reductionist communities that use labels that are harmful then I don’t need them in my life. Entering a phase of softness and gentleness with compassionate reflection leading the way, guiding me into deeper self-understanding.

In humbleness,

Vanessa