9/8

What a shocking difference

One day apart. 

Mind and body have traversed the edge in one day,

from hopelessness to Hope. 

The change is stark. 

A great heavy veil lifted from my heart. 

A lightness emerges. 

I wake and feel gentle. 

The same softness that soothed me, coaxed me out of mental darkness.

It is wrapped around a gentler version of myself as I greet a new day. 

The edges are worn down by love and care. 

One day of protective energy. 

One day of grief and sadness given its space, honored and respected. 

The deep, dark emotions have been given passage. 

No forcing, no denial of pain. 

In pure surrender to the sadness, I found release. 

And the pain found its way out. 

Supported in ways I didn’t know was needed.

My heart was tended to.  

Just one day. 

Yet here I lay, and its grip is gone. 

Just like that. 

I am neutral again, the wave has passed. 

~

This is the next day after I wrote My Dark Mornings, when I woke mentally so unwell that I cried deep tears and wrote for hours about how mentally sick I feel some days. Only one day apart, I woke up with Hope in my heart. No fear, no anxiety. Of course I understand, some days are just like that. I know there are ups and downs. But it is worth noting the big change and what I believe made the difference in these 24 hours.

I do feel that my quick recuperation is intrinsically related to a concept that Lindsey Mackereth, founder of Method Creative (@method.creative.mpls) speaks about. Which is that when well-resourced we trend into Giftedness. We present as gifted, the positive side of our diagnosis. Contrary, when under-resourced we present with burnout, ADHD, autism and others within the scope of neurocomplex behaviors. They become more obvious.

I believe that this applies on the minutia as well. On the day-to-day we shift depending on how well-resourced we are. On the days when I am well supported, I am flourishing and the processes are flowing. When overwhelm is reduced because I have asked for support, I am in a groove physically and mentally. Therefore, it also feels good to be in a flow state versus feeling broken. So the feelings of hope grow. My inspiration increases. My darkened heart becomes open and clear.

Versus on the days when I am not well-resourced, my autism is bright & loud. I get overwhelmed by the loose hair tickling my elbow. Frustrated with small things. The mountain of ten thousand small requirements of the day stands in front of me and I cannot take the first step. I feel trapped inside something, but there is nothing there actually holding me in.

It is during the overwhelm that I lose sight of the daily responsibilities, and I begin to triage. House-keeping, paying bills, showering, changing the sheets, they become impossible. Opposite of hope and inspiration growing, I get defeated, and everything starts to spiral. The mountain inevitably gets bigger.

Lately I melt over the line into feelings of burnout, lack and overwhelm. Back and forth from okay to not okay. Thank God for mindfulness keeping me in the moment, lest the overwhelm turn into actual panic. But, this is not the solution any longer. I cannot mindfully hack my nervous system so I can avoid asking for help.

I was able to notice a rather stark shift between Sunday to Monday. So much so that it was kind of asounding that I was the same human inside the same experience 24 hours apart.

For me, the difference in the last couple of days was support. I asked for help and I received it unconditionally. I was allowed space to be sad and tired. I didn’t use up any capacity socially engaging. I was simply held in whatever way I needed.

Now this may be obvious to most people. To ask for support. However, I am realizing that my autistic drive and individualized life in partial isolation, has gotten very far on my own devices. I have historically not needed as much support as I do now.

I am diagnosed as a level one autistic individual, which means I need minimal support. But it doesn’t mean that I need no support. I now realize I require support systems to function and not keep moving deeper into burnout.

As a newly diagnosed, highly masked woman, this is all new territory for me. I was raised in the 1980s in Capitalist America and I am an achiever. I am competitive and I work very hard. Asking for support is not something that was ingrained in me. A family lineage on the impoverished side set the stage for generations of hard workers. My family has an incredible work ethic. This means, we do not ask for help.

The day I woke up in pain and anxiety was Sunday and I had an incredibly supportive person with me. It was not a workday and I provided space for the feelings. I had help with laundry. I had help with my dog. I received emotional care and empathy. I was able to cry freely. No demands were made of me. I felt zero pressure to perform.

The other thing that we shared several times Sunday, were practices of yoga and meditation. Beautifully soothing the nervous system with the gentleness of presence. Not emergency nervous system hacking out of panic. I made time for the regulating practices. Out of desperation I leant into a combination of self-care, processing feelings and supportive unconditional love. The resulting feeling of safety and utter lack of anxiety the next morning was profound.

I was well-resourced yesterday and today I woke up with Hope in my heart. I crossed back into the yellow area from the danger zone of deep emotions.

Out of the physiological fear zone.

Out of the unrealistic doom that clouds my heart.

I returned to a regulated nervous system and logical mental state of mind. For me that looks like reduced anxiety & overwhelm, lack of unreasonable fear. I regained Hope in my heart, my connection to God and the universe.

I am grateful for Love. I am grateful for caregivers. Often I am the one providing for others and it is not always easy for me to receive. Let alone take the time to take up space and someone else’s energy.

But this new chapter of my life is going to involve me doing things differently than I did before. Because my previous actions had unhealthy consequences. Ultimately leading into the dangerous territory of autistic burnout and total despair.

Everybody has difficult days. And I know not everyone has good support systems. I am grateful for the people who care about me and are helping me walk through this journey. I am as ever and always so grateful for the ancient practices of mindfulness, contemplative presence, and movement meditation.

I hope that we can continue to learn new tools and how to take up space when the feelings require it. I pray that anyone who needs support can find it.

With gratitude,

Vanessa