8/28/24

I want to speak about mental health. I believe it is important to articulate out in the open so we can soften the stigma of mental health. Particularly for those in recovery. Unbelievably, speaking about mental health in some addiction recovery circles is actually frowned upon. I find that to be literally dangerous to the lives and well-being of folks who need the most help. But don’t we all need support in some way?

Silenced.

As always, these are my views from my life experiences. I am not a doctor nor a psychologist. I am, however, a woman who has witnessed much suffering in my own family from silence. I also work in the mental health and behavioral health fields. Not to mention the daily life of a recovered woman who attends meetings, workshops, events and panels as a witness and a speaker. I exist right in the middle of recovery for my own wellness, not on the fringes. And I pay attention.

I find it profoundly shocking that we at times are still afraid to talk about mental health in many circles. We lack an honesty and openness that could help people feel less alone and find proper assistance. To find hope. It’s not something that we’re comfortable with as a society and I believe that it keeps us sick. 

In light of my recent late autistic diagnosis, it occurs to me. The internal experience that each one of us has completely affects how we are able to show up in life. It affects all of our relationships and touches all parts of our life. What we have going inside affects our ability to work and to earn. This, in turn, affects our access to health, wellness, and safety. The basic needs we all deserve to tend to.

We often skip over the conversation about mental health. By making it taboo, we are turning a blind eye to every single person on this planet. Starving someone of the chance for whole health well-being. Each of us has an internal ecosystem based on upbringing and life experiences. This internal existence for most people includes adverse childhood experiences. It includes trauma. Often, at least one family member has been touched by addiction. I have found those in recovery in particular who do not seek help for their mental health, who do not speak openly about it, but keep it guised, do not fully recover. It honestly seems obvious and not even that profound of a statement. It is a reality however that alcoholics do not often speak about mental health, only alcoholism. As if they could possibly be disentangled.

We Dwell in The Grey Areas

The reality is it’s not black-and-white, the polar opposites between mental illness and mental wellness. Where is the appreciation of the grey area where life actually exists in? When we make hard-earned strides in our mental health, in our trauma healing, we should bravely speak about it. This could bring along those who need support.

Of course, the choice is up to the individual. The discernment of self-disclosure is both powerful and empowering. Ultimately, each person’s decision on what to share is her own.

I personally don’t favor using the word mental illness any longer. It seems antiquated to me. A friend recently told me of her battle with mental illness. I would never discredit that it has been an absolute battle for her. I will always validate how people choose to label their path. But must we add insult to injury by calling ourselves ‘ill’ and ‘sick’ all the time? I believe her choice of words were branded on her from many years of professionals labelling her.

I believe the truth is, we all have a mental status, and it changes over the course of our lives. As the stages of our life progress, we gain and lose. Our purpose changes from needing care, to providing care, and back to needing care again. Then finally we begin to move towards the end of life. The mental status throughout the course of our lives is not rigid. At each point there should be hope that we can tend to our needs at the stage we are in. Provided we are accepting of changing needs through communication and support-seeking. This is an area I believe we have room to grow.

I’ve been diagnosed with Substance Use Disorder (SUD), General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Major Depression Disorder (MDD), and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I’ve also more recently been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). But those things are not all a constant. I don’t suffer from depression as much anymore and I’ve worked really hard on reducing my anxiety. Some of these diagnoses will never change. For that I am grateful since it allows me to seek the help I need. Honor who I am fearlessly and with pride.

The Body Does Keep Score

To understand that we have fluid flexible, moldable, plastic neurology (for the most part) is important for me to know. And to understand where it came from. To understand the causes and conditions, likely carried with me for many years, of my current mental health status.

“Trauma happens to us, our friends, our families, and our neighbors.” Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014).

What continues to happen in our lives that we are wholesale suffering from rampant mental illness as a society? And if that is the status, which it seems to be, how can we with a clear conscious say that alcoholics and traumatized people should keep those conversations separate from our work to stay sober? I know for me, I learned to compartmentalize to a pathological level. I refuse to accept that as a real solution any longer.

Unwillingness or the lack of support to look at what happened early in life and throughout the developmental years had a significant impact on the years to come. This is how I got addicted to substances. The real solution was not apparent because my mental health was never addressed, not ever. I was prescribed benzodiazepines for 16 years, that was the medical solution. Then in addiction recovery we only addressed my drinking. Mental health did not come into the picture until I reached burnout recently. Which I am so grateful for because it led my discovering that I am an autistic individual.

This brings me back to the concepts in “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk. A beautifully written text on how trauma shapes our experiences, mind & body. It explains how it is woven throughout our whole society. He speaks to adverse childhood experiences. This results in several mental, physical, and spiritual maladies. These include suicide, addiction, and lack of employability. And the list goes on. This book and its well-sourced findings was enlightening to my own journey. One of the themes that I took from the diversity of work mentioned is that the traumatized are not heard. Additionally, the professionals do not ask the right questions. Maybe we should start reframing the questions when it comes to mental health. But we first must actually allow the conversations to exist.

Diagnosis & Labels

The aforementioned diagnoses did not come to light until I was 42 years old and in rehab for drug and alcohol addiction. Unlike many of my fellows in recovery, I flew under the radar. I did not consider that I was suffering from mental illness, nor on a mental health journey until recently. I had masks on top of masks. I lived in denial of my alcoholism and benzodiazepine addiction. This actually helped me survive undiagnosed autism and other mental health factors.

Many of us are diagnosed in rehabs which lack the proper diagnosticians to even give us these long-awaited labels. We cling to some hope that within the diagnosis and new label we will find help. But in reality, it is a way to give us more drugs. These are just government-sanctioned ones. They keep us in the system. A lifelong subscriber and customer until death. So each of us gets our neat new label and a neat new prescription upon leaving a facility that is meant to get us clean. It was my experience and many of my friends, that we left rehab on an average of 4-5 medications.

I understand that psychiatry has its place in the mental health world and the benefits are numerous to many people. I also witnessed that discernment on the part of medical professionals is lacking in the addiction recovery realm.

I am no expert. However, in observing my work in behavioral and mental health, I do understand that we are evolving. Modern Psychology is fairly new, and with advances in science & technology, change has happened but at a slow rate. We are trapped in our thinking. We are trapped in non-diverse, binary, male-dominated systems of “healthcare” that don’t promote well-being.

I recognize the need for diagnosis and labels. I do. Receiving my recent autism and RSD diagnoses changed my life. I must always remember also that I am someone with SUD. I will never be able to drink again, gratefully. I must be careful with any mood-altering substances, even ones you might not think are triggering, they are. I am abstinent, that is my life choice. However, I believe we rely too heavily on the labels that are branded on us. These labels often do not promote growth into well-being. A great lesson of becoming an addict is that when it comes to deep work, there is no easy solution. There is no easy way out. Bravery, community support and a society that values mental health are a few key components.

Change from the Inside Out

I had the absolute pleasure of taking the course “Indigenous Psychotherapy” with Dr. Henry Gregory and Maisha Davis. The coursework focused on anti-racist practices for social work and mental health providers. My eyes were opened to the nature of the healthcare systems that we are a part of. This is important work and covered deep subjects around monetary systems, capitalism, and Transformation Justice. Concepts that will be necessary to address to truly heal our communities. I hope to discuss this further in other writings.

The message from Dr. Gregory that is pertinent to this post is this. While the system we are a part of is bigger than each one of us as individuals, together our voice has value. A resounding theme that I took from the work is that we make the change from the inside at the individual level. We then grow our community. We seek to identify and dismantle the oppressive frameworks that are within us. We make the change starting inside our heart with loving kindness towards all our fellow travelers on this life path. We start to accept that we’re different and diverse. This includes speaking about neurodiversity and mental wellness.

For myself I am learning to notice the conditioning that I have become accustomed to, with regard to remaining silent. I am currently dismantling a lifetime of assimilation. I am also addressing appealability, and even ableism. These are inherent in living as a woman who masked alcoholism and autism.

Our internal experience does affect the way that we show up in the world. At times, when left unaided, it has detrimental effects. Other times what we have grown through is a benefit to our immediate circles and communities. I hope we can continue to have these conversations in supported ways. So that when one of us is in need we are not fearful of backlash and ostracization.

Like many things that have crossed my heart path lately, I feel that this responsibility lies at the community level.

Neurodivergent Individuals Leading the Way

A positive trend that has emerged is neurodivergent individuals opening conversations about mental health in new and fresh ways. Asking us to reframe the requirements we put on ourselves. To reassess the necessity to assimilate in ways that have proven to be harmful. To bravely speak about the detrimental effects of a silenced inner experience. I hope that the world keeps listening. The neurodivergent communities continue to grow our voices. We continue to grow in number as bravely answers are sought out. More and more through honest conversations undiagnosed, highly masked women like me coming forth.

I am writing this to validate anyone, if only myself. The quest to mental wellness should never be something to be ashamed of. Nor should it be silenced into submission. That choice is yours and yours alone. How we choose so seek help and to disclose our experience is up to the individual. But the choice should not be removed by an oppressive culture.

If you feel alone, I promise you, you are not. I am finding my bravery every day from those who speak out in the neurodivergent, neurocomplex, neuroqueer communities. I hope that we all can continue to unmask, open up, speak openly and honestly about mental health. The invitation is to become a co-creator of our own whole health well-being as our brave communities grow.

With Love,

Vanessa