08/03/24

As a newly sober alcoholic, and an undiagnosed autistic at the time, early recovery was very raw. The theme that returns is that I acquired the mask to fit in. Aided by alcohol and pills. So, when I came in into early recovery, I didn’t have the substance assistance any longer. But the outer mask was well formed. Is the persona that I created over the last 40 years, who I am now?

The Safety of My Cocoon

I’m reflecting back on the first few years of recovery now that I know the nature of my neurodivergent mind. I realize I created a safe cocoon that was protective and insular. At the time, I thought that it was because I was afraid to drink. Therefore, I couldn’t go out into the world. But the truth is, and I know this now, I was not afraid to drink. I don’t think that I was afraid to be in a public area where alcohol was. The obsession had long been removed well before I even left rehab. 

I get the indication now that I was actually protecting myself from the harsh world. Protecting myself due to my true sensitive and neurodivergent nature. Only I did not know it back then. Over the course of a couple of years, I created a safe place. I interacted with only a few people under the guise of changed habits. Restricting myself only to people in addiction recovery.

Who Am I?

I was uncertain about who I actually was without the protective coating of substances. The cocktail that allowed for an autistic woman to be everything she was not naturally when sober. I was a contradiction to my own natural state when I was drinking. I didn’t know whether or not I was that boisterous, courageous, loud, sexual, funny woman, the storyteller. None of those things felt right anymore. But that is who I created myself to be all these years of masking.

I am currently experiencing a homecoming again to who I might actually be inside. Lacking all the fake confidence, just me. But this time I am aware of a different set of masks. The fake personality created in addiction has been let go of by now. That drunken girl just doesn’t exist anymore. In early sobriety, ‘who the hell am I?’ was probably a pretty persistent question on my heart. Now I am trying to identify who I am without the masks that a neurotypical world required me to form.

Reborn via The Spiritual Path

I have been rebuilding my life post-addiction, and this is no surprise. I have had a spiritual awakening. We talk about this all the time in recovery circles. I am born anew I have rebuilt, or more so, built from scratch a life. It has less to do with financial security, a home and a community, that does happen. Recently, however, there has been a deeper evolution of reconstruction. I finally allowed a more authentic version of my inner being to come forth. This version never had the capacity to be seen. By listening to what is comfortable and uncomfortable my innermost self is arriving.

I suppose this is simple for some. You might call this intuition or listening to your gut, or wisdom heart. A kind of sixth sense I had long ago lost. One of the many side-effects of decades long addiction is: you have no more intuition. That little voice that tells you not to do the bad thing, died long ago. Or maybe just slumbered for a great many years, sedated. I’m grateful to have nurtured and grown that voice back. She has deep wisdom.

This life continues to fascinate me. I have been able to navigate the world, find the real solutions and skills of living as an autistic woman. Yet, this was done without ever knowing that I was autistic. Survival mode worked for a long time. Until it didn’t. Of course, I must remain humble and honestly attribute much of the sustainable coping mechanisms to the spiritual path. I have not done this myself. That is the truth. I have followed ancient lineages of healing, philosophy and movement meditation. I am humbled in the vastness of what I have yet to learn and will continue with the practices that evolve me.

Nervous System Regulation

Interestingly, I find for me the spiritual solution is rooted in nervous system regulation. I have been called to connect spiritually for many years. It was the only state of existence that felt comforting, safe, and protected. I now know more about the nervous system and in fact, these practices do help us feel safe. Even in times of chaos and crisis, the methods work to soothe me.

Prayer, meditation and devotional practices have become the foundation of my recovery life. It is absolutely necessary for this neurodivergent woman to have a regulated nervous system. Otherwise, worry can turn to anxiety and further into panic. These practices are my lifeline. I realize now the outward result of being neurodivergent in a world that wasn’t made for us. It leads to nervous system dysregulation. So beautifully, the same tools that keep me well (sober), are precisely the ones I need to keep healing and growing. If possible, I need them even more now while I begin to understand my autism.

Knowing that I am autistic now, I am starting to understand. I now see why “anxiety” and “fear” are so prevalent in my life. Being anxious shouldn’t be a condition or a state of being. However, we are constantly being described as anxious and diagnosed as such. So many people have “anxiety” and are diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder that it does become a state of existence. A label we use so often we don’t question it, or WHY are so many of us anxious??

For me, it is actually the response to being uncomfortable in the environment that we are inside of. The inner world experience is NOT safe in the outer world. I understand this now. From my experience that results in a looming doom of fear. It looks like what somebody with a prescription pad would call “anxiety”. Often in the morning I wake up with this feeling and it comes sometimes without warning.

But it’s actually the nervous system in a constant state of being not safe. I learned to live in survival mode for so long. The perception of the environment is a lack of safety and therefore nervous system dysregulation comes. We are in Sympathetic Overdrive. Which is a constant state of Fight or Flight mode. This persistent way of life wreaks havoc on the body. They tell us, stress kills and it does so by degrading away our physical and mental systems. This is why a link to spirituality and nervous system regulation are the true solution for me.

Intuition via Burnout Illuminated My Path

I’m fucking blown away. I have been speaking about nervous system regulation via spirituality for several years. I have used those words in my coaching business for over two years now. I also use them when I lead groups and give talks. Those exact words. Yet now they have completely different meaning. A deeper truth. A deeper need to maintain the practices.

I had to put down the drink first and for me begin a life of abstinence. Which was paramount obviously. I learned to get quiet, observe and building a connection to the Divine. I could finally start listening to what was actually happening inside me. Listen to my dysregulated nervous system that was crying out for relief. After all these years of masking and surviving, for the first time in my life I was losing my grip. Recovery wasn’t getting better suddenly. Out of nowhere this last year, it started to get harder. Desperately seeking respite as I was, unbeknownst to me, approaching autistic burnout.

Then, I was given this gift of self-knowledge. I was originally, and remain, deeply affected by this autistic diagnosis. It is actually my WHOLE LIFE. I never knew it. A secret door to my innermost self has been opened. My whole entire life path has been defined by being born autistic, but I was never shown my true nature. Time and time again, I grasped with tender little hands at the solutions that would work for me, so I wouldn’t explode in this harsh world. I have found a variety of “solutions”. Masks that helped me get so far but were difficult to bear. The solutions that I found in the quieting effect of substance nearly took me to life’s end. To the brink of insanity. Into total depression, and eventually into break down. Then into surrender.

To the original point, the protective nature of early recovery for me was not necessarily about drinking. It was about creating a safe womb. One that I could remain in to be born anew when the time was right. That time is apparently now. Without the protective armor and masks that life required me to create. Over the years my masks have become increasingly rigid and brittle. No longer viable. This was how the miracle of burn out, led me to another spiritual awakening.

A New Skin, Not a Mask

A dear friend says early recovery felt like I “had no skin” it was so raw. That sentiment was true for me, because the armor was off in the beginning. Like a crab during its molt, so tender and delicate before they form their new shell. I’m in the process, and I have been in the process, of growing a new necessary, protective shell. This time I am forming a new safe and stable protection. It is built from the loving, glowing, vibrating light that is connection to Spirit of The Universe. 

It is finally time for me to know the truth of my nature. It is the truth of my neurodivergent mind. This truth is thereby the truth of my entire life. The reality is the substance solutions that were unsustainable. Inappropriately matched for what the original root cause was and had become deadly and hurtful. 

I must continue to molt, heal, and grow my new authentic skin. To go forward and speak my truth, speak my heart, share my path and my experiences. These hard-won lessons, 45 years in the making are coming in with great clarity. My heart is filled with gratitude and awe. What a magnificent and wild ride this is. 

#myautisticjourney