June 20, 2024

Reflections from day three after new diagnosis

I found myself this evening taking another autism assessment test, again. I keep returning to the scores and the numbers. I stared blankly into the figures that are apparently some proof that I have been autistic my entire life. I find myself still in a state of shock.

The attempt to prove to myself again and again by repeated testing made me realize something. I feel an increasing need to get a formal diagnosis. This way, I don’t have to keep proving to myself that I am autistic. I cannot go not this way, overwrought with a feeling of being in limbo. Once a ‘professional’ confirms what I already know, I can close the book on the diagnosis piece. Then I can focus on healing. I have experienced imposter syndrome before. I know it’s ugly grip of self-doubt and I cannot stay in this place mentally for much longer.

Gaps in Scientific Reporting on Autism

Tonight, I also read an interesting peer-reviewed journal article. It actually used search functions to collect empirical data from blogs written by autistic people. It also collected firsthand accounts from autistic writers and content creators, versus “laboratory science”.

That’s the first time I’ve seen such a study, that mined data from blogs. I am finding that there’s such a low number of actual studies in this field even now in 2024. Forget about the intersectionality of female alcoholics with autism. What I continue to notice is that much of the information is real and true. It is based on firsthand experience. This is my experience as well since I’ve been researching. That scientific publication has not caught up to the amount of content being released by the individuals themselves. People are sharing their autobiographies and their journeys. It was actually in a journal article about the autobiographies of autistics being the most revealing source of information. As I read that, I continue to be motivated to write. Especially about my experience with the layers of masking alcoholism that hid my autism, which was masking itself.

Soothed By Other’s Experience

I have found myself exhausted in these first days after self-diagnosis. Three of the longest days of my life it seems. Despite being so drained I still need to know more. I have been called to listen to podcasts in the last three days more than anything. In other areas of study, I am most often driven to ingest information, data, journal articles. However, I felt so deeply exhausted by the whole situation that I just want to listen. I want to listen to someone else’s journey. I want to listen to what other people are going through in early diagnosis. I also want to hear how people with more experience have survived the flood of emotions that are coming in. It has been important to me to listen passively and to be the observer. I find hope in each voice.

Dangerous Overwhelm & Burnout

I have become hyper aware of every action. Every single thought. I am processing experiences on top of regular brain processing to analyze each perception and every reaction. I am observing my autistic self in action for the first time. I am intrigued and horrified with the discovery that every single moment is woven through and through with my neurodivergence. So much has become clear seemingly in an instant.

To be reviewing one’s entire life is a dauting weight that is proving to bring me into overwhelm easily. I realize I started researching the co-occurrence of alcoholism and autism a few weeks ago because I am approaching some kind of mental breakdown. It occurred to me while reading about some commonalities with autism, this is a well-known pattern. Autistic burnout it is appropriately named. The second I read this I thought, this is exactly what is happening to me right now. Grief, fear, acceptance and hope washed over me like a tidal wave all at once. Repeatedly. Again and again.

What is Next for Me?

About the logistics of where I stand just a few days into my autistic journey. I need to start finding people and finding community. I believe that is my next step for my own growth and healing. To find a community that can relate to the rollercoaster of early diagnosis. I have had feelings of drowning consume me. At times uncertain and depressed, which makes me immobile. But then other times I get glimpses of the motivating survival mode I know well. Something I am not keen to return to. Getting sober means, no longer in survive mode. At other times I become deeply inspired and empowered. The rollercoaster ups & downs have been dramatic. Addiction recovery taught me humility and to humbly ask for help. I will apply this to my next chapter of growth.

Safety in an Unsafe World

The idea of a safe community comes back again and again to me as necessary. I can hear in my heart, find your tribe. It is fascinating. I have been speaking about this for years in the groups I lead. Finding communities that heal together is our human nature. Recovery has shown me that there is a place for people to heal and be vulnerable together, safely.

I do have an underlying shyness and aversion to social situations without alcohol in my life anymore. But, when I’m with people I can trust that fear-based feeling is reduced. Recovery has taught me how to be brave when I do find a safe place. So, the way forward is generally in front of me. With courage and deep faith, I am setting out into unknown territory. I am on the continuing quest toward understanding one’s self. It is with gratitude that I continue on the spiritual voyage. There is only one way, and that is through lest I crack under the pressure of non-action.